Spring Equinox Maddness

Spring equinox drives me to be crazy, scattered, fearful ad doubtful.  Full of fear vs. faith.  There seem to be a disconnect in the universe between people, commitments and communication.  My creative artist side is on fire a blaze and out of control. idea’s coming at me like burst of flames.  I try to hose them down and at least capture one to put out on paper or into motion but all the other flames are just too big to focus on one. I panic, get aggitated and annoyed with myself and the world.  I judge myself against others who appear have it all figure out.

So I go back to my resources of books, meditations and mantra’s to find faith and peace.

Life is life.  You gotta meet “life on life’s terms.” AA slogan

“Seek refuge in inner calm, free your thought from the external world and you will feel the rays of Gods goodness and love during over you and the universe.”    Iranshahr

Mantra “I give myself the power and strength in my body to overcome my mind when I feel weak, depressed, or moody.  Together, my mind and body are a perfect team to provide me strength to conquer the day and my life.”

Meditation:

Take 5 long deep breaths seated or lying down.

Visualize the color of purple at the 3rd eye between the brows.

All your attention and energy goes towards it like an absorption or devouring.

The 3rd eye becomes a sea aninimae undulating energy. Absorbing your thoughts and fears. 

Visualize and feel the energy of absorption flow down to your heart center.

Your heart space feels full and expansive as the breath travels and fills your low belly, across the lungs widening your center.

Place your hands here.

Now you feel ease and can see through the crazy.

You see purpose and passion for your gifts from God. Faith.

The energy travels lower and pervades your hips where the 2nd chakra of create lives and suddenly you feel well being and wholeness.

Stay here for minutes and visualize what that is what it looks like, feels and live as if it is so right now.

Experience your desires as if it is happening right now.

It is happening right now. 

The ego and self will and esteem have stopped scattering like wild flames.

Now I am with my highest self, centered and one with God. 

I breathe in and say it is so.

Open you eyes and begin again your day.

Did you know stress and anxiety can shrink your brain and deteriorate your body?

I have chosen this year to break open my core wounds that have been with me since my childhood.  Not fucking comfortable stuff that is causing me to feel them all over again- creating fear, anxiety, depression and stress on my mind/body and spirit.  This is the “work” many will call it when you decide enough is enough and the old patterns and habits that have “worked” are not working any more.  This is yoga living off the mat.  This is AA’s 12 step process towards healing.  This is in many religions when you take on fully trusting in your higher power and surrendering.  It takes certain characteristics like humility, courage and the will to suffer in order to get better.

Now I am not saying to put yourself through this without guidance, therapy, etc. What I am saying is stress is a very real thing and choosing how to deal with it and how long it will affect you have some serious side effects.

So here is what is going on in your body and mind when you go through something like this.  There is a feedback loop in the brain, the anxiety tells it to replay the memory and in doing so takes over much of the thoughts going on in your mind. The new information coming in doesn't have a lot of space to settle in; therefore, you may even experience not remembering new memories, suffer learning new things, and other functions. That sucks! The fear based memories are so powerful they actually shrink your brain, especially the hippocampus. In turn you suffer from more anxiety, possibly depression, and can lead to Alzheimers in the end.  This is why you and I must not let the anxiety, depression and fear dictate our life and our destiny.

Your body knows when your mind is stressed, happy, angry and all the other emotions you feel.  In fact your body reacts with your emotions releasing hormones to go along with what your mind is feeling. For example, when you feel love oxytocin is released giving you a sensation of feeling good all over like the “chills or warm fuzzies”.  Your body, when feeling love and safety, can even emote with open arms wanting to express with a hug to share how good you feel.  When you are stressed you get the opposite hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, causing your heart rate to increase, your blood pressure to rise, your breath to become shallow and the body literally takes on a defense looking posture.

You must MOVE!  Exercise is proven to relieve muscle tension, increase serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine; all of your feel good hormones.  Aerobic exercise lights up all the areas of the brain especially in the frontal cortex and hippocampus, helping you change the memories or feed back loop.  In fact the number one way to get all in one dose is the practice of yoga, a moving meditation with absorption of self at the end.  You see it all comes back to you and being centered.  And it’s a daily practice.

The Right Timing

The Right Timing

The last couple of months I have been struggling with making decisions. Waiting for the universe to give me a sign.  Procrastinate.  Blame it on timing, the moon is, if Mercury is retrograde or if I make a mistake!  Now I ask, is there such a thing as the “right timing”? 

After all that mindless shit I find myself in doubt, fear that it won’t work out or if I don’t act right now then I will miss out.

These all have one thing in common, TRUST.

When you trust the unviverse or God, Spirit, something bigger and greater than you…you just might let go of the intense feelings.

I have had mnay opportunities to try and manipulate “right timing” like:

·      Willing myself to do it.  Pushing the deal to go through like making a wedding happen when I wanted.

·      Freeze: not do anything, no efforts that are even positive, denial.

·      Procrastinating:  fear of failure or success, perfectionism, leading me to not change my career when I wanted to.

These are human behaviors based upon learned or innate characteristics dependent upon core beliefs.

You can change it with some tools with some practice.

TRUST the universe, God, a higher power to help.  Demand it.

Gather resources: educate yourself on the topic or characteristic you are struggling with.  See your strengths and your weaknesses. Books, Youtube, the world wide web where you know you are not alone.

The first step in all of this is positive action by admitting your doubts and fears.

FEARS = false evidence appearing real

Weakness = strength as this a golden opportunity for you to change, grow and evolve.

Meditate on this:

I accept my doubts and fears.

The right timing for “blank” is directly related to my union with universal flow.

See yourself, visualize yourself doing the thing you want with total universal support.

Sit with the thoughts, observe your immediately feelings.  Use your senses like hearing the noises of where you might be in this change, smell the space, sense how others are around you there.

Observe your immediate reactions:

·      Do you feel anthing?

·      Anxiety, fear, sadness, joy, ease, powerful, awesome

The primary feelings you feel come from your highest self and intuition.  These are great gifts so use them.

Trust “right timing” with practice and allow the universe to support your highest good. 

When balance doesn't exist...

My crazy side when I let loose, dance and be free!

Today I am grateful, it’s the weekend! What a week or two I have had. Keeping my head above water, trying to get out of my head, and staying vertical has been a challenge. Too many roles and obligations I try to fill all the time. It is my own choice, as I act like the man in my relationship with myself. Well the "man" is tired and the "woman" needs to be seen and heard and most of all loved. All my life I have had to be more masculine in order to defend myself, stay in control when things were not due to family and financial distress.  Today my life is good, to most it probably seen awesome.  But inside deep down in the old wounds and mental patterns I still behave like it’s a struggle.  The struggle is real for most and me.  It is time for softness, the return of the feminine goddess we all have, even men, to show herself. 

BALANCE ladies, take a step back and be soft.  Allow others to help you just as much as you do. 

My week of self-love and BALANCE has been a journey. This is not a "pity party" story but a reminder to give back to yourself just as much as you give. Otherwise you just fucking break down. Monday I locked myself in to my house away from pollen and into movies. I never do that! Tuesday massage with Justin Rockett and had my whole arm taped due to tendonitis that just won't stop because I won't stop.... Wednesday went to an epic session with Elena Zaphara Bensonoff who guided me back to my feminine spirit (she is amazing if you have not been with her before!!!) Then held a group discussion at house with amazing women regarding balance with Charna Kety, Lindsey Kelly Finer, Kelly Breeding, Tristan Reiber, Bridgett O'Meara Yoga, and few others. Thursday had another massage with James Truitt and movement with Moses Bernard for one last playtime together. Friday taught yoga with my ladies Bella Prana Yoga and Meditation and off to Kodawari Studios for an epic deprivation float tank experience to mediate for an hour. Off to sleep I went. Thank you to all who support me on my journey. And much love to all of those who need LOVE.

You Are Truth

You know what is true.

You have people who love you.

You have talents for survival and success.

You can sacrifice to persevere.

Through the struggles are the triumphs

Because,

You deserve happiness, freedom and love.

You are not an object, a subject, or controlled by anyone.

Your life is yours!

Spring brings change. Allow yourself to transition by releasing 

old patterns and behaviors that do not serve you.  

Love and honor yourself always.

Go to the ocean and renew.

Dream it, believe it.

My life continues to unfold and evolve in the most tremendous ways!  My friend and mentor Moses has been a blessing in so many attributes giving me the strength physically and emotionally to persevere beyond my limitations.  I am changing my views on myself and believing in me, my offerings and my skills.  I am meeting people, mentors and facilitators because of my "right" alignment with universe.  The latest is Elliot Hulse, a youtube sensation in the fitness world.  We had dinner the other eve and ended up sharing the beauty of connection, vibration/energy and the Divine Feminine energy we all encompass.  We discussed yoga, mediation and the importance of balance.  I was so in awe by the direction of the conversation and grateful to find someone to talk with, I cried tears of joy.  He gave me yet another allowance or confirmation that I am on it!  To hold back my beliefs and passions because someone may not understand it is untruthful. I should talk about all the aspects of my knowledge and share my gifts unedited, teach it, and give it.  Yes absolutely fucking give it all and believe there is a higher purpose through me and you that binds us to truth.  The ones who matter and care will get it.  I am a vehicle of the Divine, goddess energy, and this will set me free!

Take hold your power what ever it may be.  A mother (care taker), a father (even if female), an artist, an empath, a seeker, a teacher/mentor, and inventor, or facilitator of growth and run with it!  Don't hold back your gifts God has given you.  Don't play small to fit in or fill some social norms and boxes.  Be too big to fit inside those boxes for you and me are energy beyond the physical body.  We connect with people via energy waves, heart waves and heart brains all bound by universal love.
BE YOU NOW.

Just when I thought I lost myself, I went Full Circle

This summer has made me crazy!!!  I think you all have gotten that from me if you know me and read along. I work hard physically and mentally; the weather issues get me agitated, and life stuff.  All I want to do is escape, fly away, and stop everything at times.  You know what I mean?  Throw the towel in and live on an island.  Now I know that isn’t the answer but at least I am honest about it.  So here is a story on how I flew away to escape and came “full circle” to find my self again.

Journal entry from August 21, 2015

So grateful to be able to come back again and again to Venice Beach, CA and it always feels the same, HOME.  I had a few hours to spend alone so I drove around the neighborhood I used to live in and visited all my favorite little places to shop and eat and ended up on Rose Ave at Cervateca, a fabulous outdoor dining café.  I ate exquisite Peruvian ceviche and a glass of Malbec wine.  In an hour or so I was going to one of my favorite activities to do only in Venice Beach, ecstatic dance with a DJ.  This is what got me into yoga in the first place, dancing and moving for freedom of expression.  I had found my soul again!

My friend and teacher Julian Walker has these movements every week, as I follow him via newsletters etc., as a lifeline to my “people”.  So walking down the street from the café towards the address listed for the event I notice the familiarity and proximity to a place I thought I would never return to.  And there it was!  The Hare Krishna Temple, now redone and new!

The memories flooded through me, good and bad and indifferent.  This was my place of education, yoga, life, stereotypes broken, and eyes wide open.  I started my first teacher training in 2007 with Shiva Rea at Exhale Venice Beach.  Shiva had her students congregate at the temple every day for about 3-4 hours to go over materials and practice teaching with one another.  I thought it was the most disgusting place I had ever been in at the time. 

The floor was filthy, roaches and ants, trash and food in the corners and dirty Hare Krishna’s walking around like they had never seen a shower or laundry machine.  It was fucking disgusting so I went across the street on the 2^nd day of 10 days of training and bought Lysol and antibacterial lotion.  I would spray myself down in a spiral of disinfectant, all my items and mat after each visit.  People thought I was crazy.  I thought they were crazy for lying on the floor, face down practicing cobra pose!  My hope was to NEVER return again.  Well as life goes to show you, “never say never” and brings me back Full Circle, here I am again.  And the best part…it is called Full Circle.  Full Circle is a place to commune, to be free, to practice expression, art, movement, and unity.  All these things I have learned since 2007.  And out of all the places I have traveled to find it, all the time it has been right here!

I walked into the building after donating double the offering, did a face plant onto the floor and rolled all over the place.  I danced and crawled like the primal goddess that I am.  My soul was free to be and my body expressed it with such ecstatic joy.  All feelings flooded me with how life comes back “full circle”.  Life is not full of coincidences; it is full of synchronicity that makes us come FULL CIRCLE.

Namaste