When balance doesn't exist...

My crazy side when I let loose, dance and be free!

Today I am grateful, it’s the weekend! What a week or two I have had. Keeping my head above water, trying to get out of my head, and staying vertical has been a challenge. Too many roles and obligations I try to fill all the time. It is my own choice, as I act like the man in my relationship with myself. Well the "man" is tired and the "woman" needs to be seen and heard and most of all loved. All my life I have had to be more masculine in order to defend myself, stay in control when things were not due to family and financial distress.  Today my life is good, to most it probably seen awesome.  But inside deep down in the old wounds and mental patterns I still behave like it’s a struggle.  The struggle is real for most and me.  It is time for softness, the return of the feminine goddess we all have, even men, to show herself. 

BALANCE ladies, take a step back and be soft.  Allow others to help you just as much as you do. 

My week of self-love and BALANCE has been a journey. This is not a "pity party" story but a reminder to give back to yourself just as much as you give. Otherwise you just fucking break down. Monday I locked myself in to my house away from pollen and into movies. I never do that! Tuesday massage with Justin Rockett and had my whole arm taped due to tendonitis that just won't stop because I won't stop.... Wednesday went to an epic session with Elena Zaphara Bensonoff who guided me back to my feminine spirit (she is amazing if you have not been with her before!!!) Then held a group discussion at house with amazing women regarding balance with Charna Kety, Lindsey Kelly Finer, Kelly Breeding, Tristan Reiber, Bridgett O'Meara Yoga, and few others. Thursday had another massage with James Truitt and movement with Moses Bernard for one last playtime together. Friday taught yoga with my ladies Bella Prana Yoga and Meditation and off to Kodawari Studios for an epic deprivation float tank experience to mediate for an hour. Off to sleep I went. Thank you to all who support me on my journey. And much love to all of those who need LOVE.

You Are Truth

You know what is true.

You have people who love you.

You have talents for survival and success.

You can sacrifice to persevere.

Through the struggles are the triumphs

Because,

You deserve happiness, freedom and love.

You are not an object, a subject, or controlled by anyone.

Your life is yours!

Spring brings change. Allow yourself to transition by releasing 

old patterns and behaviors that do not serve you.  

Love and honor yourself always.

Go to the ocean and renew.

Just when I thought I lost myself, I went Full Circle

This summer has made me crazy!!!  I think you all have gotten that from me if you know me and read along. I work hard physically and mentally; the weather issues get me agitated, and life stuff.  All I want to do is escape, fly away, and stop everything at times.  You know what I mean?  Throw the towel in and live on an island.  Now I know that isn’t the answer but at least I am honest about it.  So here is a story on how I flew away to escape and came “full circle” to find my self again.

Journal entry from August 21, 2015

So grateful to be able to come back again and again to Venice Beach, CA and it always feels the same, HOME.  I had a few hours to spend alone so I drove around the neighborhood I used to live in and visited all my favorite little places to shop and eat and ended up on Rose Ave at Cervateca, a fabulous outdoor dining café.  I ate exquisite Peruvian ceviche and a glass of Malbec wine.  In an hour or so I was going to one of my favorite activities to do only in Venice Beach, ecstatic dance with a DJ.  This is what got me into yoga in the first place, dancing and moving for freedom of expression.  I had found my soul again!

My friend and teacher Julian Walker has these movements every week, as I follow him via newsletters etc., as a lifeline to my “people”.  So walking down the street from the café towards the address listed for the event I notice the familiarity and proximity to a place I thought I would never return to.  And there it was!  The Hare Krishna Temple, now redone and new!

The memories flooded through me, good and bad and indifferent.  This was my place of education, yoga, life, stereotypes broken, and eyes wide open.  I started my first teacher training in 2007 with Shiva Rea at Exhale Venice Beach.  Shiva had her students congregate at the temple every day for about 3-4 hours to go over materials and practice teaching with one another.  I thought it was the most disgusting place I had ever been in at the time. 

The floor was filthy, roaches and ants, trash and food in the corners and dirty Hare Krishna’s walking around like they had never seen a shower or laundry machine.  It was fucking disgusting so I went across the street on the 2^nd day of 10 days of training and bought Lysol and antibacterial lotion.  I would spray myself down in a spiral of disinfectant, all my items and mat after each visit.  People thought I was crazy.  I thought they were crazy for lying on the floor, face down practicing cobra pose!  My hope was to NEVER return again.  Well as life goes to show you, “never say never” and brings me back Full Circle, here I am again.  And the best part…it is called Full Circle.  Full Circle is a place to commune, to be free, to practice expression, art, movement, and unity.  All these things I have learned since 2007.  And out of all the places I have traveled to find it, all the time it has been right here!

I walked into the building after donating double the offering, did a face plant onto the floor and rolled all over the place.  I danced and crawled like the primal goddess that I am.  My soul was free to be and my body expressed it with such ecstatic joy.  All feelings flooded me with how life comes back “full circle”.  Life is not full of coincidences; it is full of synchronicity that makes us come FULL CIRCLE.

Namaste

                                                                                                                                   

"Always" is LOVE

The best songs are written, books, and poems when the artist is “breaking through” a big issue.  The cowboy is sad, Dylan is mad, Bob has a purpose, Eckart Tolle has the “Power of NOW”, and Helen Keller…need I say more?  Life isn’t always perfect.  Nothing is “always”. 

The other day I found myself saying in a negative way “always can just go away!”  My relationship to “always” has brought me pain because the one’s who said “I love you” said “always”.  The one’s who said “I will always protect you” didn’t.  The one who said “I will always be there” left.  At that moment, I didn’t think about the one always-GOD.  LOVE.  I sat back a few hours later after writing a great poem, lol, about my “issues and break through” and found GOD.  There is something bigger and better than just me and my “always” stuff.  It’s these “break throughs” that offer me the insight to get to what is real and always, LOVE.